Do you enjoy this?

Someone asked me this today. It started nagging me, which usually means it’s relevant to me. Maybe I’m not enjoying this as much as I thought I would?

I’ve been working a lot this year. I kept a work log for a few months and averaged 5.5 hours, 7 days a week – not including breaks, and not including 20-30 hours at the day jobs. I don’t enjoy being tired.

I’ve had periods where I’ve made very few sales, and most of the year has been running at a loss. I don’t enjoy being broke.

There have been several times when I’ve received harsh criticism, or a painful review. Sometimes I look at my own work and wonder why people would buy it. I have to constantly build myself up when I don’t always believe I deserve it. I don’t enjoy feeling undeserving.

There is no guarantee for success. In fact, there is more evidence to the contrary. I have to constantly battle with the idea of quitting and often feel like I am swimming against a brute force current. This is stressful and draining. I don’t enjoy the battle.

As an indie writer, I have to do everything myself. All decisions are mine -and so is the responsibility. I don’t enjoy the pressure.

Learning to write was difficult, and a long process. Continuing to improve is an endless vocation. I love learning.

I am curious about the world around me. My stories, art and journalling allow me to explore these questions in unique ways. I love exploring.

Every day, I am proving the voice of doubt wrong, and creating my own path to my own definition of success. I love my strength.

I’ve been able to publish books that were unlikely to meet the commercial demands of a publishing house. As an indie writer, I’ve been able to choose what I publish, and who I contract to work with me. I love the freedom.

There are people who have bought my books and resonated with my work. It is deeply satisfying and heart-warming to connect with people through story or art; to provide a moment of insight, inspiration or entertainment.

So do I enjoy this?

No. I love it πŸ™‚

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6 responses to “Do you enjoy this?

  1. Your determination and sense of self worth is incredibly inspiring. If you were in North-America, you could be an inspirational speaker. Kids & adults can learn so much from you. πŸ˜€πŸ‘

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    • Nick, your endless positivity inspiring and motivational. Thank you – I like to think that my messages come through in my stories πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. You are not alone. I doubt my own material all the time. I wonder if I’ll ever break into the big markets. Yet I keep at it. I guess I love it, too. πŸ™‚

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    • I suppose doubt is a part of creating new things and putting them out there. I’m sure we wouldn’t be keeping at it unless we enjoyed it!

      Like

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